Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question about care and feeding? Send it here.
Dear Care and Nutrition,
My ex-husband has a vocal and avowed preference for one of our twins over the other, which bothered me and caused our divorce when the boys were young. I did everything in my power to keep things fair between the kids throughout childhood.
Many twins have jealousy and conflict issues, but they definitely have a harder time than average. Their father kind of fell apart after the divorce and was in and out of their lives. Now, as the boys prepare to apply to college this fall, he has resurfaced to announce that he and his late wealthy mother have set up a massive college fund for just one son. His mother’s will stipulates that my ex will be responsible for paying the bill.
I verified that this was the case, and it appears to be indeed true. His preferred child will still have to take on debt for college costs, but not much. If he gets even a modest scholarship, his undergraduate education may be free even at some more expensive schools. My other son, who has similar interests, similar grades, and a similar overall academic profile, is in a different position. Even if I put all the college savings I have for both boys into my second son’s education alone, he’s looking at public schools and big loans. It is an injustice that I have no power to correct and no idea what to do. The kids don’t know yet, and my ex has fun twisting the knife. It’s not something I can force him to fix in court or try to convince him to do better. It’s just terribly unfair and irreparable. How do I deal with this news with my children?
—Balancing act mom
Dear Balancing,
Your ex really sounds like work. His mother is not doing any better. I know you said you can’t fight this in court. I just want to point out that a will i can be challenged if you can prove that someone – in this case your spouse – exerted undue influence over the testator (the person who wrote the will). It’s a long shot, but it might be worth contacting a real estate attorney to see if you have any standing on that or another angle. I would also try to determine if any of your family members plan to contribute to the boys’ education or leave funds to them in their will. You may be able to apply these resources, even if they aren’t as significant as your ex-mother-in-law’s, to narrow the gap between your children. For example, perhaps your parents’ assets could be earmarked for the twins’ college debt, with priority given to the “less advantaged” sibling.
In terms of sharing this news with your kids, I don’t know if there’s much you can do except be brutal, but kind, honest. I assume your father’s preferences are well known to them? I would start by having a personal conversation with the son who gets paid less. Let him process the news without his brother’s scrutiny and guilt. From there, tell him what, if anything, he can expect from you and the family. Ask him how he would like you to inform his brother. He might want to keep this a secret from his twin—I’m not sure that kind of secret will hold up in the long run, but think about the possibilities with him. And strongly consider therapy counseling. It’s one thing to know your dad doesn’t like you, but it’s another to be faced with quantitative, hard-hitting proof.
A few other things to consider: If the favored son finds out—from you, but from his father—what will you do if he insists on sharing the money? Will you allow him and is he logistically able to do so? (Again, that last question is something you should ask an estate attorney. If your ex is the bill payer, your son may not be able to do much.) If the preferred son limits his schooling options as a sign in solidarity with your brother, will you support him? If the boys wanted to cut their father out of their lives, how would you react? Instinct these and any other possibilities you can think of to be calm and collected in the moment.
And then, later that night, scream profanities into the pillow of the person who put you in this brutal situation. I wish you luck.
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