Dear Prudence,
I have been hiding what I thought was a harmless crush on a friend of mine (Jordan) for a long time, but now another friend (Alex) has told Jordan and Jordan is threatening me with a restraining order. I’m furious that I told Alex about my crush and that Alex betrayed my trust. I admit that some of the things I did probably weren’t great decisions, but those actions didn’t hurt Jordan in the slightest as long as Jordan didn’t know about them. Now I’m torn because I’m afraid Jordan will call the police.
If they call the police, I’ll probably have to dispose of any evidence ahead of time. But this is almost impossible for me to accept. This situation is quickly spiraling out of control and I don’t feel like there is anyone I can turn to for help. How can I make amends with Jordan in a way that honestly atones for what I’ve done while still leaving open the possibility of us getting back together romantically?
“Hopelessly devoted.”
Dear Hopeless Devotees,
Don’t call Jordan. In fact, never call Jordan again. Do nothing (what I did do??)—except that you might want to seek the opinion of a lawyer, since I can’t give you legal advice. You say you have no one to go to, and that may be because the situation legitimately inspires judgment. Instead, think of someone you know cares about your well-being and wants the best for you. Tell them what you did and ask for their support to stop it all. I can’t stress enough that dating is now completely out of the question and you have to force yourself to accept that reality. If you’re having trouble letting go, seeking guidance and help from a mental health professional would be your next step (there are several directories where you can start your search). The sooner you can let Jordan go, the sooner you can stop making “bad decisions.” Then you’ll be able to pursue crushes in a way that doesn’t inspire people to call 9-1-1.
Have a question about children, parenting or family life? Give it to care and feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have a 21 year old daughter, a 16 year old daughter and soon to be 10 year old triplets (two girls and one boy). We have a four bedroom house. Our oldest daughter is graduating this summer. She dwells on where she will live next. Her lease at the university expires in July. The triplets have always shared a room, but they are growing up. It’s time for my son to have his own room, which means my daughter has to vacate her old room or deal with sharing with her sister. It’s just a matter of logistics. I’m ready to just lay down the law and tell my daughter that everything she owns is going to be boxed up in the basement, whether she’s here or not. My wife says that’s too harsh, but we’ve been having the same conversation since spring. Can I have some up here?
— Exit room
Dear Exit Room,
I’m confused (and I think you may not be completely clear either): Do you want to put your daughter’s things in boxes because she takes too long to make up her mind? Or do you want to move your son into her room regardless of where he lives? Sounds like the latter to me. And it’s not unreasonable to prioritize space for minor children who have no choice but to live in your home over a grown child who has graduated from college. But the key is that you and your wife are on the same page and whatever message you send your older daughter. Try something like, “If you haven’t let us know you plan to move by mid-June, we’ll proceed with moving your brother into your room and packing your things. You can still come home anytime, but we’ll just have to come up with new sleeping arrangements” or “We hope you understand that we need your old room for your little brother, so we’ll clear it out and if you want to come back, we’ll make room for you in your sister’s room’ so it doesn’t seem like punishment or rejection.
This year represents a huge transition for your eldest, and your interactions during this time can determine how welcome she feels at home and how close she is to family going forward. I know you’re frustrated (and you have a lot of kids to deal with, which must be very stressful!) but try to stay focused on the long-term goal of maintaining a warm relationship with her. That will end up making you a lot happier than a quick and straight answer about her living arrangements after college.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for over a year and see a long-term future together. He shares two children with his ex-wife (divorced for six years). They spend the holidays together as if they were a family. He notes that he likes to spend this time with his ex and the children. And while they invite me, I feel like an awkward fifth wheel. I grew up with divorced parents and had two separate Christmases, etc. My parents were cordial, but they didn’t spend time together. My partner says we all have to accept the inconvenience of coming together to surround the children with love. Am I wrong to feel put off by these holiday arrangements?
“Fifth wheel.”
Dear Fifth Wheel,
You are not in the least wrong to be repulsed by them. And he is not in the least wrong to evaluate and prioritize them. In fact, he is very right not to let a new partner interfere with the routine he has established for his children. This approach to surrounding children with love on special occasions is clearly important to him, and it’s something you should consider when deciding whether you want a future with him, just as you would seriously consider whether you can be with someone who has traveled all the time for work, either he didn’t celebrate the holidays at all, or he had a different approach to socializing than you did.
It is possible to convince yourself to accept the current arrangement. After all, his ability to get along with his ex and focus on the needs of his children reflects very well on him.
Holidays are only a few days a year. You can always celebrate with just the two of you on another day, creating your own traditions. And once you’ve been around long enough, you won’t be an awkward fifth wheel anymore – you’ll feel comfortable and a real part of the family.
But if you can’t get there, that’s okay. Celebrating Thanksgiving without the person your significant other was married to isn’t too much to ask, and it’s something that won’t even require a conversation with the vast majority of people you date in future.
Check out this week’s Prudie.
More tips from Slate
My coworkers refuse to come back to the office and it’s getting ridiculous. I get it: COVID happened and yes, we “proved” we could work remotely because we still managed to get things done. But that’s it – we made it. We weren’t excellent, thriving, or nearly as productive as everyone pretended. I’ve had days of back-to-back Zoom calls where someone’s audio cuts out, someone loses signal, or someone’s spouse/baby/dog is screaming/crying/barking in the background. It’s a nightmare. Also, as nice as it is to have flexibility, it seems pretty unhealthy for the team because morale is low and everyone complains about being depressed.
