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Dear Care and Nutrition,
I wonder what to do with my mother. All my life nothing has been a secret. If I messed up in any way, my entire extended family would hear about it and then lecture me even after my parents. It was also the other way around: whatever good I did, I would hear from them too. It was exhausting. Many, many times over the years I have asked my mother to stop sharing information. She didn’t stop. In fact, it got even worse.
It’s not just my aunts anymore. This is her group of about 10 girlfriends (some of whom I’ve never met or met in passing). This is her hairdresser. Sometimes he feels like the stranger on the street. This has now come to a head.
I recently started taking some diabetes medication. It’s not semaglutide like Ozempic or anything like that. It’s an older drug, although I lost a lot of weight on it. I asked my mom not to share my health information with anyone or at least ask me first before telling people. But now the first thing she says when she sees me is how skinny I look (she has some body shame/body dysphoria issues that I’ve absorbed from her) and then tells everyone in the room (almost literally everyone, saying it out loud in a restaurant once) how I was on Ozempic—even though I told her I wasn’t. She knows I don’t want her talking about my health issues! But she says she’s just happy for me and wants others to be too. How do I talk to her about it (again) or accept that it’s just something I’ll have to live with?
“I just want some things to be between mother and daughter!”
baby i just want
There doesn’t seem to be any way that talking to her about it again will change things. She knows how you feel. She won’t (or maybe can’t?) change her behavior. So don’t waste your breath. And for God’s sake, it’s not something you have to live with!
The solution to your problem is simple. Stop telling her anything.
Don’t tell her you’re on a new medication. Do not tell her that you have been diagnosed with an illness. For that matter, if you don’t like her sharing your news, good or bad — a promotion at work, a new relationship that makes you happy … or a professional disappointment or breakup — keep it to yourself. I understand that you want to be able to tell your mother everything. But you can’t. Not if you want it to stay between the two of you, because that’s a thing she has made it clear that she either doesn’t understand, doesn’t respect, or can’t govern. Find someone else to trust – get away from your mother. (And I promise nothing, but there is a chance she’ll finally get the message if there’s an information desert: If she asks why your conversations with her have turned into conversations, you can tell her. Perhaps this will help.)
But my message to you is: Change what You do. Don’t expect her – or anyone – to change for you. (Probably should put something similar on t-shirts and bumper stickers.)
“Michelle.”
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