Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question about care and feeding? Send it here.
Dear Care and Nutrition,
My son is about to turn 18 and I know he’s worried about adulthood, but he’s becoming more clingy as he slips into hypochondria. He’s hell bent something to be “wrong” with him. He quickly went through self-diagnoses, from chronic fatigue syndrome and anemia to physically affecting epileptic “seizures” (which were ruled out by three different doctors), and now it’s lymphoma. I contacted his physical and mental health team for advice but didn’t get much of a response. I’m trying to be patient and reassuring, but I’m about to lose my temper. My days are continually interrupted by his slander; one minute he is in agony, the next he is full of life. To make matters worse, I’m currently dealing with a scary diagnosis of my own. It is neurodegenerative and my physical symptoms make me shake and lose my balance. I haven’t shared much about it with my kids and I try to be brave, but watching my very healthy teenager pretend to catch and hurt is not only painful, it makes me angry. My partner tries to ignore it, but I’m beside myself.
“Actually ill.”
Dear Really Sick,
If you’re not getting the support you need from the team caring for your son, it may be time to make some substitutions. It sounds like he could benefit from a solid therapist – one who will communicate effectively with you. You don’t know for sure if his hypochondria is an actual condition or something he’s just acting out because he’s nervous about becoming an adult, so be careful not to take your frustrations out on him. Patiently remind him that his doctor has examined him thoroughly and that he is not sick.
Your son is old enough to learn about your own diagnosis; maybe hearing about what you’re going through will help him stop acting like he’s seriously ill. Explain to him what is going on (cautioning him not to share this information with his siblings) and emphasize how different your condition is from his own “one minute sick, the next fine” behavior. Focus on finding a mental health professional who can adequately care for his problems; you need to know if he is really faking or if he has a reason to think he is not well. Ask your son to be sensitive to what you are going through and to trust the doctors when they tell him he is fine.
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Dear Care and Nutrition,
I am an African woman with a Turkish child. We live together, although he initially denied I got pregnant and didn’t acknowledge our child until he took a paternity test when he was 3. My son’s father has a 19-year-old son from a previous marriage. He doesn’t want to introduce our son to him and when I ask him why, he is silent. I am thinking of moving out and starting my own life with our son and I have the financial ability to do so. Am I exaggerating?
– Fed up
Dear Tired,
I think the answer to your question lies in how he usually treats you. Based on the things you shared, I suspect it may not be very good. It was cruel of him to deny your pregnancy; even if he had good reason to believe that someone else might also be the father of your child, he knew that he had sex with you, which ensures that there is a chance that your son is his. Three years is a long time without acknowledging your child. As for not introducing your son to his son, there you go is the possibility that his son is not a great kid. But if they seem to have a decent relationship, then there’s probably a more nefarious reason he’s keeping the boys apart. I hate to say it, but I think it would be unreasonable to discount the possibility that he is ashamed of having a black child; there is a long history of non-black people desiring black bodies but not respecting them enough to try to have a healthy relationship with them. Who is this person when it comes to you? If he treats you with love and respect, maybe you can look past those things. But if he makes you feel less than or otherwise fails to show that he thinks highly of you, then I think it’s time to move on. If this is the case, be prepared for him to be a less enthusiastic co-parent and don’t be afraid to use the courts to force him to provide the support you deserve.
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Dear Care and Nutrition,
My daughter (who is a young teenager) is starting to eat less and less. A few weeks ago she was eating three full meals a day, plus two snacks. She now eats a few slices of apple for breakfast and claims she is not hungry enough to eat more than a small portion of her dinner. She’s supposed to be getting school lunches at school, but in the last week or so I haven’t received any notifications telling me she’s bought anything (her school uses an app system that alerts parents if their child/children get something ). She rarely eats snacks.
I worry about her. I checked her YouTube last night (she’s half-aware, checking her phone). Her watch history is full of “diet tips” and “weight loss goals.” FYI, she’s at a healthy weight, but looks a bit chubby since she’s very short for her age (although I’ve never told her anything about it). I’m not sure how to start a conversation with her about this without making her defensive; all i want to do is help her.
“There’s no need to lose weight, she’s a teenager.”
Honey, losing weight is not necessary,
You should carefully confront your daughter about the changes in her eating habits and the things you have found in her search terms. Ask her why she thinks she needs to lose weight; has anyone said anything to her or is she just comparing herself to other girls? Tell her that it’s okay to want to be healthy, but that she doesn’t need to skip meals or count calories. Encourage her to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly instead of depriving herself. Talk to her about eating disorders and how dangerous it is for young people to severely restrict themselves when they are still growing and need significant amounts of food every day. Get her involved in meal planning and help her identify good-tasting foods that will fuel her body without excess salt or sugar. Affirm your body and make sure she is exposed to media and books that feature characters with different body types. Make sure you don’t say negative things in front of her about your own body or anyone else’s for that matter. The intuitive guide to eating for teenagers includes body-positive tips for a healthy relationship with food. If she can’t adjust to eating well instead of just no eating, you should consider taking her to a therapist who treats young people with eating disorders; not to say she has one, but you don’t want to wait until she does to take action.
Dear Care and Nutrition,
I am the father of a 16 year old daughter, ‘Bianca’. We’ve always gotten along well, but lately she seems to want to spend time with me less and less and I’m worried about her. Her mother (my wife) passed away a few months ago and it affected Bianca deeply. Ever since her mother died, Bianca has kept to herself more and more. She doesn’t want to talk to me, she doesn’t want to sit with me to eat food, she doesn’t want to spend time with me at all, ever. If I ask her why, she says it’s because I’m “making things worse for her” (or something to that effect), but won’t elaborate on what that means, so I’m left confused. Every attempt to talk/spend time with her ends with her yelling at me for no reason. I know she is upset about her mom (so am I) and I bought her a book about grief, but I don’t know what else I can do.
“She won’t even look at me.”
Honey, she doesn’t have
Your daughter would benefit from counseling. She is dealing with one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person, and at a very young age. Obviously, she doesn’t feel like she can express her feelings for you, and that could be because she doesn’t fully understand them herself. Ideally, you will find a provider who will meet with Bianca individually as well as you. It would also be wise if you also get some help; you’ve suffered a great loss while also being expected to help a child cope, it’s an incredibly difficult job. It’s good that you got Bianca a book about grief, but you should also read about how teenagers deal with death. A Parent’s Guide to Grieving Children will help you better understand what your daughter is going through and also offer guidance on how to cope. Try to keep the memory of your wife alive in your daughter’s life. Talk to her about her mother, make sure there are pictures of her in the house. It may be difficult now, but in time she will benefit from keeping it close to her heart.
— Jamila
