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We all have that one friend who keeps us guessing where we stand with them. No matter how hard we try to include them in our plans, share our thoughts, or just be good friends to them, our efforts always seem to fail. And when we try to talk to them about it, we often end up even more confused.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. The bad news is that this may not just be a misunderstanding or miscommunication between friends – it’s often a deliberate tactic to create “psychological distance”. Here’s why people do it and how it can play out in conversation.

What is psychological distancing?

It’s a universal experience: when we feel stressed or uncomfortable, our instinct is often to take a “time out” or clear some space from the situation. This need for distance is not only physical; according to a 2017 study Journal of Experimental Psychology, we also do it mentally. We engage in psychological distancing to help us manage stress and discomfort.

Psychological distancing involves presenting distressing situations as occurring far away or from a third-person perspective. The study claims that this mental strategy reduces negative emotions and lowers biological signs of stress – such as blood pressure and amygdala activity. Essentially, by mentally pushing negative experiences away, we lessen their physical and emotional impact.

However, the authors found that when we want to mentally distance ourselves from things we don’t like, shifting our language to reflect that distance reduces their emotional impact even more effectively. To achieve this, we use “distancing language” – we avoid discussing these issues in the present tense and refrain from using first-person pronouns.

How distancing language manifests itself in relationships

Psychological distancing and the use of distancing language are effective coping mechanisms when we need space from what is troubling us, as these subtle shifts in language and mindset allow us to create personalized emotional buffers. However, when what’s bothering us is another person, these mechanisms can surface in our conversations – and the impact on the recipient is often not so pleasant.

A study from the journal of A study of human communication confirms this phenomenon. The study found that when one person dislikes another, they tend to use distancing behaviors to reduce their discomfort. These behaviors generally fall into three categories—namely, expressing nonattachment, avoiding involvement, and showing antagonism.

1. Expressing non-attachment

If you try to start a conversation or connect with someone who is trying to create psychological distance, they may respond in ways that minimize emotional engagement or interest in the conversation. For example:

• “That was a great movie, wasn’t it?” is met with “Eh, it was fine”.
• “I thought I’d bake those cookies you like today. Would you like this?” gets “Maybe”.
• “Looking forward to seeing you this weekend! See you at five on Saturday, right?” is met with “Yeah…or when we meet”.

The other person will do their best to appear neutral or indifferent and will avoid showing any interest or enthusiasm. They may downplay your shared experiences, avoid expressing commitment, or even passive-aggressively shut down your attempts to connect with them.

2. Avoidance of involvement

When trying to maintain contact, rapport, or closeness with someone who is trying to create psychological distance from you, their language may be hesitant, vague, or noncommittal:

• “I saw you got the invitation to Skyler’s birthday, too. Are you going?” leads to “Maybe”.
• “Do you want to join us for dinner tonight?” gets “We’ll see.”
• “Can we talk about what happened yesterday?” is met with “Can’t we do this now?”

Their responses will show a clear reluctance to engage. They will leave dangling invitations or offers of connection, be as vague as possible to avoid confirmed participation, and create obvious barriers to prevent your attempts to communicate with them – all in an attempt to keep you at arm’s length.

3. Showing antagonism

A truly apathetic person may be antagonistic, subtly or openly, in their attempts to create distance – which can lead to palpable tension or conflict:

• “I really enjoyed our time together last weekend” gets “Well, I had other things to do.”
• “I was hoping we could spend more time together. deflects with “I’m busy with more important things.”
• “Do you want to watch a movie tonight?” is back from “Why do we always want to do what you want?”

They may not only distance themselves from you, but also set a negative tone that can further strain the relationship. They may dismiss your ideas and thoughts or belittle you or your attempts to connect with them. They may even go so far as to create conflict in the hope that you will back down.

The bottom row

The language of distancing is a powerful defense mechanism. This allows people to avoid appearing vulnerable, overly caring, or self-interested. This is an effective way to create a psychological barrier, preserving their sense of control and emotional safety. And while it may make them feel better, the same won’t be said for you.

If you have a friend who seems unable to give you a clear yes or no answer, or who answers in ways that make it impossible for you to understand them – they may not be a true friend at all. Take their constant use of distancing language as a sign that they are not interested in building a real relationship.

Don’t feel pressured to keep investing in a one-sided relationship. True friendships are built on concerted effort and interest. If your attempts to create closeness are always met with distance, it’s important to admit that you deserve better. Everyone deserves friendships where the feeling is unequivocally mutual.

Do you consider yourself a good friend? Get the one backed by science Active-Empathetic Listening Scale to know for sure.